Nights: Welcome to the Bar
by Shieldage
Summary: Written for Methos' "Tales from the Barman". There's a meme where Xander opens a bar and listens to the stories of everyone who passes by. Today, apparently, there's quite a crowd...
1. Umbrella

BtVS by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Order of the Stick by Rich Burlew. I don't own the shows and comics mentioned in passing.

Written for Methos' "Tales from the Barman" over at _Twisting the Hellmouth. _The original story / set of stories, found at _TtHFanfic dot org slash Story-11757 _has over a hundred contributing authors. It's a varied setting, the main constants being that Xander Harris has opened a bar, called _Nights_, on the Cleveland Hellmouth. The bar is a weirdness magnet, with dimensional portals in the closet, and numerous characters (including Jackie) walking in, telling their story over food and drink, then leaving a memento for the wall.

Here's my corner of it.

* * *

Dawn Summers was sitting at the bar typing away on her laptop. She'd taken it on herself to catalog the objects decorating the back wall, paying special attention to those from alternate universes and potential futures. She was slightly worried that if no one paid attention to the stuff, especially with the field meant to keep the 'normals' from 'seeing' the assortment, the items would become less 'fixed'. Plus, she was bored and this was at least interesting.

"Hey, so you're running a trace on that phone number," Buffy said, peering over her sister's shoulder at the enlargement of a photo and the message scrawled beneath. Jackie Estacado, the current bearer of the Darkness, had wandered through in need of a friendly ear after finding out the downsides of his heritage. "That's the Catch-22 guy, right? Power to do anything - Death if he fathers a kid..."

The front door to the bar swung open.

"Lord Xykon, maybe we shouldn't go in. I sense anti-violence wards and anchored Detect Alignment spells," a voice carried into the bar.

**"So? I just want them to fill a large order of drinks,"** came an oddly resonate reply.

"Yes, but maybe they won't serve us if they know we're evil."

**"Oh."**

Dawn and Buffy didn't even turn around, they'd heard much stranger things before.

##

"Oh, my God!" Dawn squealed, suddenly typing away furiously, pulling up blurred security cam footage from the files of another group of Watchers. "That's it! Xander said Jackie liked blondes, right? We could fix the guy up with Amanda! She's a thief and an_ Immortal_. She'd walk away from almost any fight she got into to, he wouldn't have spend all his time protecting her and that Quickening means she can't have kids!"

"Hey, you're right, any female Immortal might answer his problem..." Buffy mused. "Hey, Xander? Xander, oh..."

Xander was watching the front door of the bar intently.

Many of the customers were.

Standing just outside the open door was a bleached skeleton with burning red eyes. He was wearing magical robes, probably marking him as a lich, or some other sort of magical undead.

Arguing with him was a short green and pointy eared demon in a red cloak.

Behind them was a tall being cloaked completely in darkness.

The darkness was being provided by a large pink umbrella. It had pictures of vampire cats evenly spaced around the rim...

##

**"I know," **stated the lich, apparently oblivious to his audience.** "We can send **_**him**_** in. That umbrella protects you from that spell, right? Here, take the list and don't screw it up."**

The large figure scooted in through the doorway, its exact shape obscured by the magical darkness. Only its bright yellow eyes could be seen. Worse, the wards didn't even breathe a whisper as it entered...

Two cat-sized red demonic roaches followed in the creature's wake.

The dark shape appeared to take a seat at a barstool and began to speak: "Barkeep, I'd like to order some drinks."

"Okay," Xander drawled.

The creature unfolded a list and began to read. "One Diet Lemon Iced Tea, One Gorgon's Blood, Thirty Angel's Tears, One Barrel of Rum Spiked with Mercury, Seventy Tankards of Mashed Brains, Oh dear..."

The bottom of the list unraveled and began to roll across the floor of the bar. "Seems each of the grunts wanted to list their own drinks and their writing is horrible... It looks like most of them ordered grog, but..."

As Xander stared open-mouthed at the length of the list, his hands twitching slightly, Dawn had the presence of mind to take a picture with the camera built into her laptop. She started running a websearch against the images of the lich, the goblin and the shadowed figure.

"...And I think we'd all like free pretzels, except for the zombies. Do you have a pretzel that's in scale with the barrel? We..."

At this, Xander firmly pressed a button hidden underneath the counter. It was the 'non-emergency' emergency button meaning the few vampire patrons of the bar had to an audible count of four to dive under the tables before the thick shutters that covered the bar's windows all opened at once, filling the large room with sunlight.

On the street outside, pressed up against the thick windows, was a literal army of short orange thugs, ghastly grey zombies, flying zombies with green wings...

The largest window was occupied by a zombified dragon with tarnished silver scales. It was staring directly at Xander like he was its next meal...

Screams went up from many seats.

The laptop beeped, saying the search was done.

Dawn tore her eyes away from the monstrous horde to look at the screen.

She silently rotated the computer to face Xander.

He looked down at the... webcomic...

##

"Andrew..." the one-eyed veteran Scooby bartender growled at the figure cloaked in darkness.

"Okay, who's the joker that ordered the Vampire Ashes in Holy Water? That stuff's flammable and I... Wait, what did you just say?"

"Andrew," Xander snarled, somehow showing each and every one of his kills on his face, in his glare.

Somewhat oblivious to the menace, the dark creature appeared to look over its shoulder, or at least its glowing eyes rotated around its body. "Hey Xykon? Does MITD stand for Andrew?"

**"No, you idiot! It stands for Monster in the- Hey, look out!"**

"That doesn't spell, hey - _noooo_!" the creature yelped as Xander reached across the counter to grab the Vampire Kitty umbrella by the handle.

A short struggle later, sped along by the help of the Slayers in the bar, the umbrella was wrenched away and the magical darkness disappeared, revealing the weak form of Andrew Wells sitting at the bar...

The horde outside and the lich and cloaked goblin at the door immediately vanished, so completely it was as if they'd never been there in the first place.

##

"But, but..." Andrew, the ex-member of the Trio and current attachment to the Slayer School, stuttered, before composing himself slightly. "What gave me away?"

"Look. I'd buy an interdimensional leak from a webcomic." Xander frowned. "Even a clever send-up of D&D. I'd accept a demonic horde pouring out of a weak area, say the broom closet. But a clearly story-based army appearing outside of the bar in the middle of a public street? To order _drinks_? Not gonna happen in Cleveland."

"Oh, well for bringing this epic story to your attention, not to mention the spectacle, could I donate my bespelled umbrella to the wall?"

"No, it's pink. And someone else's idea. How about the shopping list? You made that up on your own right? And something that many feet long..."

"No, I'm sorry, it was part of the illusion spell along with everything else. If you gave me a pen, maybe I could write it from memory... No, oh no, don't groan like that. You mean I went to all this work and I don't get to put anything on the wall? Is it my fault that messing up like that in front of Yoda when he came through the broom closet has left me slightly unhinged?"

"No, you don't. Yes it is. No, wait. Okay I understand what that'd do to your mental state. Complete geek to geek sympathy. But you need to realize that you're surrounded by pissed off Slayers you just traumatized..."

"Oh. Uh. Amnesty?"

"No."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

##

Unnoticed in the ensuing tussle, one demon roach turned to the other and said: "I don't know about you, but I kinda feel real."

"Yeah, I don't think I'm illusion either. Let's hide before one of those superchicks steps on us."

"Yeah."

##

Hours later the very battered Andrew was allowed to come down from his uncomfortable position on the wall.

Days later he was mostly forgiven. He was even allowed to host D&D games in a back room of the bar again.

It was around this time that Miranda, the bar's head chef, turned to Xander and asked: "Hey... Why are there two cockroaches, under the bar, fighting with lightsabers?"

He had one reply. "ANDREW!"


	2. Portals

BtVS by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Star Wars by Lucas Films. Marvel by the parent company and its many artists/writers. SG-1 by Gekko and MGM.

Written for Methos' "Tales from the Barman" over at _Twisting the Hellmouth. _The original story / set of stories, found at _TtHFanfic dot org slash Story-11757 _has over a hundred contributing authors. It's a varied setting, the main constants being that Xander Harris has opened a bar, called _Nights_, on the Cleveland Hellmouth. The bar is a weirdness magnet, with dimensional portals in the closet, and numerous characters (including Yoda, thanks to c.a. Dragonhulk, and Cain, thanks to c.a. Trom) walking in, telling their story over food and drink, then leaving a memento for the wall.

Here's my corner of it.

* * *

Long ago and far away, on the planet Dagobah, in a reality adored by millions of fans... An ancient creature watched his headstrong student fly away, to face an enemy he did not understand.

"Near the end, my time here is," Yoda stated sadly. "Come and gone, my world has. To the next generation, the pieces fall."

As the bright spot that was the X-Wing faded away in the distance, Yoda picked up his stick and began to hobble at a brisk pace towards his goal. He had been putting this off for far too long.

Yoda was old, terribly old, but his race was long lived. If he performed this task, he'd be dead in less than a year.

Dagobah was home to a very powerful cave, one rich in the Dark Side of the Force. For years it had served to mask Yoda's Light Side energy from the Emperor's spies, but the time had come for it to be cleansed.

If Luke succeeded and returned, his training would be over anyway. If the New Jedi Order were to succeed, Yoda had to shed his physical form. Without the strength he had in his youth, he was a walking target. No matter what, tough times were ahead.

If Luke was killed, then his sister would need a guide. Yoda had no way of physically leaving his adopted planet. Thanks to a certain technique he had learned, the loss of his body would leave him one with the Force, able to communicate with his new charge wherever she was in the universe.

If Luke joined the Dark Side, Vader would have Yoda's location. Yoda had no desire to survive long into that future.

Purifying a concentration of such dark energy would not only shorten Yoda's lifespan, it would slightly weaken the Dark Side of the Force. A very very small amount, to be sure, but sometimes tiny shifts are all that is needed for change to happen.

These thoughts and others filled the ancient master's mind as he navigated the treacherous route, avoiding the nastier denizens of the swamp.

He arrived at the dark cave, poisoned by the essence of a twisted Jedi. Yoda was fully prepared to, for once and for all, do battle with the Dark Force within.

Someone had beaten him to it.

##

"The smell of evil, gone it is," exclaimed Yoda. He was thrown completely off balance.

The amount of energy it must have taken...

Luke had been brought to the place. Yoda had hoped the boy would question its nature and the Jedi Master's reason for living close to it. That had ended disappointingly, but the cave still had been potent.

Now... Yoda entered the cleansed place with his own advice running through his head: "Find you will only what you bring with you..."

In the dimness below, Yoda finally saw the reason for the change. It was far from anything he had expected. Before him stood a wooden door with a knob.

He hadn't seen this particular door in decades.

Relief erasing some of the wrinkles around his tired eyes, he opened the door and stepped through.

* * *

It was still late afternoon, but Cain Marko was already in _Nights_, polishing off a gray-tinted beer.

"It's depressing I tell ya, I get this strength from a minor god of destruction, so all I had to do for a fix was go out and shove my fist through a wall... and the wall behind it. But now that I'm a good guy, fighting bad guys, my energy is leaching away. See this muscle right here? Just pitiful..." Cain grimaced as he plunked the empty glass on the table. "Lay another one on me. Something stranger."

"Listen, I've never gained strength from my brushes with the Dark Side of the Force, um, unless you count the hyena," said Xander, as he opened the door where the odd drinks were kept. "So, I can't- AAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Portal! Don't worry! It's okay," Willow's _floating head_ babbled from inside the cabinet. "Have you ever met a Xander from another reality?"

"Er... No," Xander answered, once his heart had stopped racing. It was true as far as he knew. "Why do you ask?"

"We were having a massive party with three other versions of the Scooby Gang after we all saved our worlds together and I figured out how to fix Stargate Command's Quantum Mirror so there wouldn't be any more cascade failure. It was your birthday, so we had four cakes lit and ready to go and he disappeared while we were singing the song... No trail of him leaving the multiverse, nothing! We're trying everything we can think of, but..." her voice trailed off, her eyes moist. "It's like he simply ceased to exist."

"Four 'me's at a party. Unlucky. Check. Wait..." he said, his brow creased in thought. "Was it your universe?"

"Nope, Scooby Gang Beta's. That's the one where Harmony became a werewolf because Oz's cousin Jordy was our age and they'd been kidnapped while on a date. Why?"

"Huh. Have you searched your Xander's room - or his hairbrush - for stray hairs, DNA, anything like that?"

"You think a ritual link would-"

"No, I'm just thinking about a family called Foster and the conservation of energy... Your Xander might have been an imaginary friend empowered by something, a dream-made-real... Your memories and photographs would be valid, because he would have been physically there, but any stray hairs - or bloodstains - would be artifacts sustained by the spell. If that's the case, they've been unraveled along with the rest of his body. Not sure how you can bring him back... Maybe take your Dawn or someone else young who believes in him to the world he disappeared from and see if they can recharge him?"

"Gotcha. You sound like you've put some thought into it before," the floating head said, then promptly vanished, back to whichever reality it came from.

"Weirdly enough we, I, had this conversation with my version of Willow," Xander said, then paused, noticing the absence. He finished aloud anyway. "When we were thinking about what might have happened if Dawn had jumped instead of Buffy..."

Cain took a good long look at his empty glass and pushed it away from him.

##

Xander was still lost in thought when a short green figure took a seat at the bar.

The newcomer had to speak to attract his attention. "Barkeep, tell me, please, gone from here, how long, have I?"

A startled Xander turned to look. He greeted the alien with a warm smile. "Yoda! Good to see you again. Months for us, but... It looks far longer for you. Were Luke and Leia born okay?"

"Yes, on my return to the asteroid colony, within the hour it was. Shame it is, that came your warnings only after the Academy ceased..." Yoda shook his head sadly. He looked up again with a gleam in his eye. "Though handy your advice was. Bribed in advance Owen Lars was, so _some_ training Luke had... Bail Organa leads the Rebel Alliance still. Han Solo he approves of."

"Survived the Death Star, eh? So, where in the, uh, series are you now?"

"Arrived Luke has from the ice planet, Hoth. And left again, in haste."

"Figures. Well, the bar hasn't burned down, again. We threw an amazing party for Willow when she finally earned her doctorate. She's been my best friend since childhood," is all that Xander said, but underneath he was thinking: _Yeah, Jesse used to be there, back before... we both still miss him._ "... It went off without a hitch."

Yoda noticed the faint undertone of pain, but he kept his thoughts to himself. Cain started drumming his fingers on the countertop.

"Weirdly enough, I'm trying to join a band with a Star Wars themed-name," Xander continued, smirking faintly. "Andrew - heh, Yoda, he practically worships the ground you walk on, at least as far as the movies go... He and a couple dimensional expatriates decided Buffy needed a theme song, so they put their heads together. I'd like to be a full member of the band, but I don't have enough free time... Oh, right. This is Cain Marko. He's a regular at the bar, as well as a villain-turned-superhero, you're familiar with the theme."

"Pleased to meet a classic," Cain said. He and Yoda shook hands, which was interesting.

"Well, back to my problems," announced the brown-haired strongman, as he turned to face Xander. "Y'see, despite this problem, I have some hope. That fight a while back with that blue gal, Illyria, gave me a large burst of energy... but now I'm getting antsy. What I really need is an honest, near indestructible hero, with a sense of humor. You know, someone who'll laugh it off and still buy me a beer after I pummel him."

With impeccable timing, Thor - Norse god of thunder - walked into the bar.

"You!" shouted the long-haired deity, apparently not realizing Cain had gone good. They'd fought before.

"You!" shouted the Unstoppable Juggernaut as he rose from his seat, a fierce grin stretched across his face.

What happened next, happened too fast for Xander to see, but it was enough for the wards to eject both heroes.

"Huh," muttered Xander. "I wonder who set _that_ up."

##

After a couple moments of quiet, Xander caught Yoda's curious expression. "Oh, right, that was Thor. I guess he dropped by to give Cain a work-out."

"Thor? Oooh. _Changed_ he has. Taller too."

"What? Oh. No, not _that _Thor," Xander said, remembering how the crew from Stargate Command had shown up during Yoda's first visit to the bar. "Umm... You have a bunch of semi-aware natural forces floating around places full of stories and beliefs, the natural forces listen, get interested, gain power. Eventually they become the stuff they've heard about. Then they go on and create new stories. Well, he's one of them. Gray Alien Thor either inspired the original bits or modeled himself after them, though I'm quite certain his human-warrior hologram had brown hair..."

_Hmm,_ Xander thought to himself._ I need to get both Thors in a room together... _"It gets a bit weird beyond that, considering the first storytellers and believers weren't human, and probably not strictly alive. And, hey... Speaking of that, I have a friend who needs to get a life. Would ya mind showing some of your moves? I mean, I suppose your training skills are somewhat rusty after-"

"Rusty? _Rusty_? Trained I have, generations of Jedi! Skill like mine, if fades it does, goes slowly."

"Good. Hey, Miranda! Could ya pull Andrew away from prepping for his D&D game?"

The red-headed Slayer poked her head out of the kitchen. She'd come in early to cook. "Ya mean that literally, boss?"

"Umm... Kind of."

"Take it easy. Gotcha."

##

About a minute later, Andrew Wells was shoved into the main room of the bar. "Hey, I said I only needed a few more sec- ... That's Yoda! OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod..."

Remembering how he'd passed out last time, Andrew stopped talking and went into a corner to center himself and prevent fanboy overload.

"Drinks, you owe me," Yoda said, as he turned to face Xander. "Many. And food."

"Right. Oh yeah, the favor I asked you? Break it to him, slowly," Xander advised as he poured a small shot of Romulan ale. "Fortunately, he should snap into knowledge-geek mode any second now."

When Andrew had regained control of his breathing, he asked: "How is it that you speak English?"

"Power granted by the Force," stated Yoda, his hands moving in a circle. "A name has it not."

"That and the new translation spell on the bar," Xander pointed out.

"Ah," Andrew nodded. "So, would you be here on a mission for the Reformed Jedi Council, eagerly searching for new apprentices?"

"No. Midichlorians flow in my blood, attune they are to the flow of the Force," Yoda answered, head bobbing. "The midichlorians of this reality are not Force-Sensitive, therefore no human here is."

"Oh," Andrew sighed, disappointed.

"However, mind I would not, practice with a student willing to learn meditation and combat..."

Andrew tried to stand up and sit down at the same time, with the net effect of making him look silly. However, his recovery was quick. Once he took a few deep breaths, he was able to slip completely into his 'serious apprentice-leader' mode.

Within seconds Yoda was respectfully yet urgently pulled to the room of the bar set aside for Slayers who wanted to spar, yet didn't want to walk back to their school.


	3. Hammer

BtVS by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Star Wars by Lucas Films. Marvel/DC by the parent companies and their many artists/writers. Chain Letter One and Two by Christopher Pike is a spotlight story with Alison Parker, one of the viewpoint characters, narrating the books' events. It's part of the meme to have story recaps, so I went with one that pulls a neat trick I really like in the ending...

Written for Methos' "Tales from the Barman" over at _Twisting the Hellmouth. _The original story / set of stories, found at _TtHFanfic dot org slash Story-11757 _has over a hundred contributing authors. It's a varied setting, the main constants being that Xander Harris has opened a bar, called _Nights_, on the Cleveland Hellmouth. The bar is a weirdness magnet, with dimensional portals in the closet, and numerous characters walking in, telling their story over food and drink, then leaving a memento for the wall.

Here's my corner of it.

* * *

As Yoda and Andrew left the bar's main room, a brunette young woman walked in the front door. The wards tagged her as having limited experience with the supernatural, as well as that she'd been on the good side when things went down. Xander looked up, not expecting to recognize her. Oddly enough, he did.

"It's the weirdest weather out there, fourteen lightning strikes in the last five minutes and no rain," she said as she slid off her coat and hung it over an arm. "Didn't feel safe driving through it. I know it's early, but could I stay in here until it blows over?"

"Sure," Xander said, grinning. "Hey, Miranda, could you pour some of that wonderful soup? It's on the house for the star of '_Ophelia_'."

A pan clanged merrily in the background.

"I wouldn't worry about the storm so much," Xander continued. "I have the odd feeling it's a lot less dangerous then it looks. Er, I'm sorry, I've seen some of the quality work you've done, but... I'm not so much with-"

"Alison Parker," she stated, her attention caught by the Wall and its many trophies. She was able to see one of Methos' old swords, most of the pictures, and many other items in detail, but when she tried to examine some of the stranger things, her eyes glazed over visibly - thanks to one of Willow's spells. She turned back to Xander, not realizing she'd missed anything.

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Xander Harris, chief bottle washer and apprentice Nerf Herder."

"They play here?"

##

Miranda, one of the extended group of Slayers and _Nights'_ head chef, emerged from the kitchen. She was grinning from ear to ear as she presented the actress with a restaurant-quality bread bowl full of heavenly-smelling soup.

The bread bowl was replicated. The soup wasn't.

Having a bar on a dimensional nexus helped, a lot, but Xander didn't feel right about charging for the gifts that kept on giving. Like the Romulan ale or the Hydra head steaks.

Pretty much everything from the replicator was for strictly non-paying customers only. Having an eternally energetic chef was one of the main things that kept _Nights_ in the black.

The actress was quickly swept up and seated at one of the nicer tables. After proper introductions were made, the Slayer went back to her cooking.

##

Xander took the time to admire Alison's odd collection of features, that, when taken as a whole, gave her a distinct beauty. He was familiar with her work because good Shakespeare remakes were required viewing in the Slayer House, just in case life turned into a Renaissance Faire.

Despite himself, he found his gaze being drawn to her left arm. He remembered seeing...

She followed his look, then stared at his face. She stared into his remaining eye and the eyepatch that covered the ruin of the other.

She opened her mouth, closed it, then simply pulled up the left sleeve of her blouse, revealing the scars on her arm.

"Glass panels, in my own house, when I was still in high school," she choked out. There was clearly more to the story.

Xander patted his eyepatch and grinned ruefully. "Fight in a wine cellar. My fourth year past graduation."

"I don't want to talk about it," she simply stated, then returned her interest to the delicious soup.

Somewhat disappointed, and slightly worried, Xander took the hint and returned to his post behind the bar. That was a good thing, because they shortly had company.

##

A somewhat battered Thor eased himself through the front door of _Nights_, this time making enough of an impression on the wards that Xander raised an eyebrow.

"You do realize," Xander asked, giving his most intense one-eyed stare. "That you're reading as both 100% deity and as 100% 'man gaining powers from super-science'? That's just... odd."

"It's just a plot by my half-brother Loki trying to gain control of my personal history and use it to drive a wedge between myself and my fellow heroes," Thor stated, an oddly resigned smile on his face. "Pay it no heed."

_Either that, or you're a normal person being set up..._ Xander thought to himself, then made a mental note for Willow to increase the wards against deities messing with his head. It had gotten silly by this point.

"You sound like you're getting used to him," Xander said as he polished yet another glass.

"HA! The tales I could tell you," Thor said, then trailed off, his eyes taking in the wall behind the bar. "I guess you have an open mind... Well, let me tell you a tale from our youth, of how we faced the ice giants and saw the fire-born Surtur for the first time..."

_Black gloves with the fingers cut out,_ thought Xander, as he poured the Norse god some honeyed mead. _That's either for that warhammer, or some superhero thing... What's that weapon called again? Mjolnir, right. _"Sorry to interrupt," Xander said, eying the hammer intently. "But my curiosity just got the better of me. Where's Cain?"

"Oh him? Don't tell him I know he joined that British team. I heard he was here looking for exercise and I felt a rematch was in order. Just so you know, the fight's still happening. I simply knocked him across the state. It should be another five minutes before he gets back here."

"Guess again," said Cain from his position at the door.

"Well, it's not that large a state," Thor said as he raised his hammer. The wards ejected them from the bar again.

A brilliant flash of lightning illuminated the bar as the heavy door swung shut.

By now Alison was convinced this was no ordinary bar.

##

Xander was still standing there, entranced by the sounds of the battle outside, when Andrew ran up, shouting: "Ooh! In Paradise X - an alternate future - Loki gets his father to turn Thor into a girl!"

"Andrew, what have I told you about importing comics from other dimensions?"

"... Call you, give you the list and name the day that I'd finish them by, so you could read them?"

"Exactly."

"I have it right here."

"... Thank you."

"Hey, Xander," the young man said, shifting nervously. "Getting Yoda to spend time with me, even though I've been annoying to you... Thanks."

"Welcome. You took over the position of 'guy who gets tied up for comic relief', once I'd grown out of it, so it's the least I can do. Just don't go Sith on us, okay?"

"_Cool_! Er, I won't."

"Good."

##

"Given me this, Andrew has," Yoda said, as he hobbled up on a brand new cane made of rosy-colored wood. "Ooh, and very useful it is, too." He twisted the cane one way and, _ffffftt_, the dartboard across the room sported a few new feathers. He twisted it another way and eight inches of stainless steel popped out.

"Fabricate replacement darts on Dagobah, I can. Served me well, my old cane has. Buried it with me I would have, but to leave a body behind is something I do not plan to do," Yoda said with a conspiratorial wink. Stretching, the Master Jedi carefully placed his decades-old walking stick on the polished surface of the bar. "Rare wood this is, from Genesia. Guard it well."

"Gimer wood is used as an aid in meditation and can sustain its owner in the absence of food," Andrew stated, apparently quoting from memory. "That's why I decided his new cane had to be made of enchanted apple wood. It offers health and the promise of choice."

"Well, that's very nice of you, Andrew," Xander stated as he gingerly picked the offered stick off the table. "Yoda, I will be sure to put this in a place of honor on the Wall, right above the... Enchanted? Exactly how long have you been planning this?"

"Umm, as soon as I woke up that time and heard Yoda had left before I'd come to I started planning and saving, most of my share of proceeds from the band has gone to pay for this... I just wanted to show Yoda how much respect he has in this world, just in case he ever happened to be here again... Yoda, hey-hows-about-you-rapping-for-my-band? You'd fit in."

"What?"

"What?"

"What?" asked Alison, who'd walked over to get a closer look.

"Or at least play the blissl?" Andrew wheedled, pointing at the flute hanging from Yoda's neck.

Xander sighed and turned to the stunned actress. "You ready to talk?"

She mutely nodded yes, so they segued back to her table, away from the weirdness.

##

"I'm going to tell this," Alison stated, with a pained expression on her face. "Roughly in the order it happened, which isn't at all what it was like to live through it... There was a cult in the San Bernadino Valley, where I used to live, that believed they could achieve immortality through human sacrifice. Among other things, they shoved a needle into a man's brain and left him to die in the desert. My friends and I were driving home one night from a concert when our car was drawn to him... I'm not sure, but later events sort of point to that _something_ inside of his body was trying to work its way out..."

She narrated how, thanks to some very bad decisions, they'd hit the victim (alive, dead or undead) during the short time their headlights had been out. Swearing themselves to secrecy, they'd buried the man in the desert. Apparently, one of them - Neil – had quietly pocketed the guy's expensive ring. Considering he waited a few months before wearing it around his friends, none of them made the connection immediately.

"Senior year started well enough, as I had been cast as the lead actress in a play. One of the girls from the car was in a supporting role, another was on set design, so we'd hang together after school. That's when the first Chain Letter arrived. The envelope lacked a return address and its horrid purple color reminded me of rotting meat. The letter inside was from someone claiming to be The Observer - The Recorder - The Punisher - The Caretaker. Our names were in three columns - like this -"

Grabbing a bar napkin, she started to sketch it out.

##

While Alison's head was down, intent on her work, Dawn Summers popped out of the back room where she'd been studying. After having moved as fast as she could with an open laptop, Dawn set it on their table next to the meal's remains.

"Xander, I set a program up to report any live news feeds directly related to the bar. It looks like Cain's on TV..." Dawn trailed off, having finally noticed Andrew and the Jedi meditating. "Yoda's _training_ Andrew? My turn!"

As Dawn ran away from Xander and Alison's table, the laptop began playing a short conversation.

-"Well, it looks like another random fight between superheroes out there."

-"Yes, James, I heard Juggernaut was operating out of London. Think this could be a result of international tensions?"

-"Maybe, Sally, but as you know, both 'heroes' claim to draw power from patron deities. It could be a turf war... Oh, wait. It looks like two members of the JLA have arrived. Can you make out what they're saying?"

-"No, but it seems this fight is almost over," the female newscaster said as Wonder Woman went after Cain with her lasso. "It seems like Batman has squared off against Thor. Think it's true that S.H.I.E.L.D. has provided_ him_ - not the rest of the JLA, but specifically him - with the weaknesses of most known superheroes?"

-"Not unless Thor's weakness is smoke grenades. Switching to infrared. Darn! That was a thermal smoke bomb, I can't see what's happening on this spectrum either!"

-"Goes to show that 'the Bat' is prepared for nearly anything. Well, it seems that Thor's hammer is arcing out of the smoke and up, up, up in the sky... Wait! What if it hits someone?"

-"Oh, good, there's the Batwing-" James said as the black aircraft fired something at the runaway warhammer. "Do you think that's Robin, or that it's being powered by remote control?"

-"I don't know, but the hammer's headed off in a new direction. Probably a precisely calculated geometric angle designed to carry it to somewhere safe."

-"Lost track of it. What would you say, a street in the low fifties?"

-"More like-"

At that point, one of the concealed windows in the bar exploded and the immense hammer thudded to the floor.

##

Startled, Alison and Xander leaped to their feet, only to slowly sit down again. The screen of the laptop quietly went black.

"Did he come through the window too?" Alison asked, pointing towards Yoda.

"No. The broom closet."

"Ah. Where was I?" After a moment's thought, she wrote down the first names of her friends, though she did decide to leave Detective Eric out of the story completely...

##

The list of names, reading _Fran Kipp Brenda Neil Joan Tony Alison_, was lined up next to the empty _Column II_ and _Column III_.

"If we did our tasks, given to us through coded instructions in the Personals section, we were to advance our name one Column and pass it on to the next person. The Caretaker threatened us with suffering for failure and manslaughter charges - or worse - if we went to the police. Fran vandalized a mural she was proud of. Kipp refused to flunk Calculus and his brakes were cut. Brenda insulted our director and was kicked off the play. Neil faked a seizure in class, he'd been sick anyway but he was sensitive about it. Joan had a rebel image so, when she refused to dress as a clown, a jar of cockroaches was thrown through her bedroom window. Tony, my new boyfriend, refused to throw a race, but his drink was spiked with tranquilizer before he even got on the track. I wasn't about to flub my lines opening night, so the set collapsed on me. Then Column III started..."

She narrated how the demands were getting _worse_ when her friends started disappearing. Neil was the only one to leave a body behind, except it wasn't his. He'd gone out to the desert to retrieve the corpse and return the ring he'd been wearing to its finger, then burned his home down around it to help confuse the identification. "We found out from his mother, who'd been away at the time, that Neil had a fatal brain tumor... A couple things she said didn't add up, so Tony went out and found the grave in the desert empty. He didn't have time to warn me before Neil showed up at my house, armed. I had my own gun and managed to stay ahead of Neil for a bit, but he'd jammed my front door and I gained these scars trying to escape..."

"The final climactic showdown happened with most of us tied up in a basement. Neil finally came to his senses and... We basically forgave him. He passed away a few weeks later in a cabin in the woods, mostly at peace, despite the tumor. His mom never found out he'd survived the fire. With Neil buried in the desert's old grave all seemed well but, behind the scenes, there'd been a cult member whispering lies into Neil's ear. She was the real Caretaker... Only not quite. After dumping the man in the desert where everything started, this woman, this... Jane... committed ritual suicide. Her very dead body walked out of the morgue that night..."

"There was a new Chain Letter, one without my name or Neil's, that had the others' names in Column III. If they did the tasks they'd be closing their names inside a Box, one that was mostly real and a trap for souls... The tasks amounted to mutilation and murder, so when two of us refused to play their parts, they died in accidents arranged by Undead Jane. She wasn't the only strange thing out there. An idealized version of Neil, one made up of all of the good in him and not exactly recognizable, met me at the cabin where he'd died. He gave me some good advice and I left in a better mood, not realizing I'd talked to an angel, or a ghost..."

"I'd somewhat broken up with Tony, so Undead Jane felt free to seduce and brainwash him until he was little more than a puppet. He was so heavily under her control that when they tracked me down in the desert where I was looking for answers he was going to kill me. I couldn't let her damn him so, during the struggle, after telling him what I was about to do, I pulled the trigger and shot myself in the chest..."

"Coming to his senses, Tony shot the walking corpse point blank in the forehead, only for some sort of dark parasite to writhe out of it and speed towards me. Angelic Neil arrived in time to squish what I guess was the 'real' Caretaker and had started to walk away when Tony recognized him. Asking for a miracle, Tony begged him to save my life. After thinking it over, Neil told him that Joan, whose Task had been to give Tony the gun that would kill me, had loaded the gun with blanks so her name wasn't actually in the Box. I was okay, just bleeding and in shock, but even a blank can kill a person if the gun is pressed to their forehead, like Tony had done to Jane... So I guess a miracle _was_ granted, though it's all in how you look at it."

##

"Wow," Xander breathed, but Alison wasn't quite done yet. Out of her purse came a Ziploc bag, holding something wrapped in a paper towel. After it was unwrapped, she slid the mottled purple envelope over to Xander. A pale green letter could barely be seen inside.

"I've been carrying this around with me," she said, after another mouthful of water. "For a long time now, as a reminder, as a warning. I heard what you said about keeping objects on your Wall, guarding them, I want you to take it..."

In the background, Andrew and Dawn were arguing. The fight reached such a heated level that Yoda stood up and hobbled away from them, towards the front of the bar.

"Thanks for listening, I needed that... But now," Alison continued. "Any questions or comments? Except for Brenda... Left on her own, she was the only one of us to put their name into the Box. What happened afterwards... That I won't talk about."

Carefully, Yoda bent over the immense warhammer where it lay on the floor. It seemed to _shrink_ at his touch.

Xander leaned back, considering what he knew about the world and what he could say that might help. "We can run tests on the letter. If there's anything left of this cult, we can track them down and help make sure they never hurt anyone again. Until then, I don't have an exact answer to give, but I know that God exists," he stated confidently, remembering a certain pair of prophets and what had followed in their wake. "So if you want the spiritual explanation, then your friend, Neil, may have wound up as an actual Angel. If you go the scientific route, then he, like a friend of mine named Daniel Jackson, may have Ascended... You know how Obi Wan and Yoda became one with the Force at the end of Star Wars? Nearly exactly like that."

Gripping it firmly, Yoda lifted the shrunken hammer to get a better look at the inscription. He read the words to himself in a breath barely above a whisper: "WHOSOEVER HOLDS THIS HAMMER, IF HE BE WORTHY, SHALL POSSESS THE POWER OF THOR."

"Speaking of which," Alison asked, gesturing in the Jedi's direction. "Exactly why is he-"

"Now that's a long story," Xander said, turning with an easy smile. "It all started when... OH, MY GOD! _Yoda!_ Don't Touch-"

##

A bright bolt of lightning shot into the bar, through the crack in the window. It completely enveloped Yoda and Mjolnir.

The thunder was deafening.

When it cleared, a new Yoda was standing there.

He had grown seven inches and put on a few more pounds of pure muscle.

Newly clad in a winged helmet and body armor, the alien master held the warhammer like it had been made for him.

##

Xander jumped up from the table, abandoning the gaping actress, and ran towards the 'odd' drinks cabinet. The one-eyed bartender had no thoughts on his mind other than pouring himself a shot of something strong, because - even for _Nights_ - this level of weirdness was practically overwhelming.

When Xander opened the cabinet's door, to stare at his own _floating head, _he screamed. The head screamed back for a second before it disappeared to be replaced by an image of Willow. "Me again," she said, quickly. "Portal!"

Xander rested his weight against the bar, his heart racing. "Seriously, would a doorbell inside there help?"

"Maybe a motion detecting light," she hazarded. "It's kind of dark in here. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for giving us enough advice to help recharge our version of Xander. We managed to come up with a mobile anchor so he won't have existence failure again, no matter how many universes come between him and home."

"So," Xander said smiling. "He turned out to be you imaginary friend after all?"

The alternate Willow shook her head. "Nah, don't be silly. I was in that multiversal party with him. Turns out he's Jesse's imaginary friend. Our bestie wasn't about to tear himself away from his bar and our entire universe just for a we-saved-multiple-worlds party, but he dropped everything when he heard he could help a friend. Here, I'll put him on."

Xander stood slack-jawed as the image resolved into an older version of Jesse's face, what his and Willow's best friend might have looked like if he hadn't died and become a cloud of dust in the Bronze so many years before.

"So," Jesse said grinning. "Humongous thanks for helping us out. So, this is what things would look like if you'd opened the Cleveland bar instead of me. Can't see much of it from in here, but what I can see, I approve... Is someone seriously screaming about '_Yoda-Thor?_'"

##

When the front door opened and the bar was suddenly full of superheroes trying to find out what the heck was going on, Xander asked Miranda to put Alison's letter in one of the pre-made protective circles for later sorting/cleansing and Dawn to call Buffy and Willow.

With the Chief Slayer riding herd, Willow and Xander were able to talk with the other dimension in relative peace. When the long overdue conversation had finally reached its end, the portal closed, leaving a group photo of the alternate team of Scoobies taken in Jesse's _Nights _to gently float from the cabinet to the floor of the bar_._

His friends watching on, Xander very quietly pinned the print to the Wall.

He'd frame it later, but that was later...

It'd been a long day at _Nights_, and it wasn't even dusk yet.


	4. Advertising Night

BtVS/Angel by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Star Wars by Lucas Films. The commercials of GEICO, AFLAC, Taco Bell and Bob FM by some awesome marketing teams.

From Douglas Adams' 'Long Dark Teatime of the Soul' comes news of Odin's contract and the fate of those he'd signed it with.

These are the versions of the GEICO Gecko and the Cavemen last seen in my "So Easy".

Jones Soda is a real company. Yes, they do have the holiday special sodas and donate much of the proceeds from the often very weird flavors to charity.

Written for Methos' "Tales from the Barman" over at _Twisting the Hellmouth. _The original story / set of stories, found at _TtHFanfic dot org slash Story-11757 _has over a hundred contributing authors. It's a varied setting, the main constants being that Xander Harris has opened a bar, called _Nights_, on the Cleveland Hellmouth. The bar is a weirdness magnet, with dimensional portals in the closet, and numerous characters walking in, telling their story over food and drink, then leaving a memento for the wall.

Here's my corner of it.

* * *

A few days following the last major bout of chaos, Xander was setting up shop at _Nights_ when the door rang in a clear tone. The amplifying enchantment had been installed after a resentful troop of drunken pixies egged the building.

Sighing, Xander opened the door and looked down.

"Thanks," said the small, green reptile. "Do you mind if I park my car inside? I'm afraid I left the chain and locks at home."

At his nod, the gecko retrieved a small, red convertible and parked it out of sight under a booth.

After he'd made sure the little creature was able to scale the furniture safely and served him a drink, Xander ducked behind a silence spell and placed a call to one of his friends.

"Hey, Willow, it's me... Remember when you were stood up for that blind date the first year of college? No, the one you'd made with the guy who voices the gecko in those commercials. Was the place packed? Yeah? Well, he's here and he's got a doozy of a reason why you didn't see him..."

##

Having confirmed that Willow would show up when she was able, Xander wandered over to casually eye the reptile. _Yeah, _he thought to himself. _I can easily see how the little guy and Willow missed each other. Even wearing a carnation, you'd have trouble spotting him in a crowded bar, especially with the wrong kind of chairs and tables. Probably doesn't help his sightlines either, but, you'd think the fact he wasn't human would've come up during all those conversations they had over the phone..._

"So," Xander asked as he polished a glass. "You new in town?"

"No, just sort of strolled in, for the convention," said the gecko. "You know, the one for advertising icons?"

"Ahh," Xander said, nodding as he turned to the kitchen. "Miranda, could you come out here? I need to pull the door off its hinges."

"Huh," said the gecko as he observed Xander and the red-headed Slayer go to work. "Strong, isn't she?"

The two humans grinned to each other as they fixed a replacement door in place - one with a catflap in the bottom.

Just in time too, as the place began filling up in earnest.

##

"_Señor,_" came a voice from the other side of the bar. "May I have a drink please?"

"Sure," Xander said as he leaned over to get a better look. "May I please see some I.D.?"

"Right here," the Chihuahua said, standing on his hind legs to show the tag hanging from his collar.

Xander sighed. "Close enough."

##

"Hey, I was wondering if I could work here?"

"Um, you're a burrito," Xander said, frowning. "Can you carry drinks without hands?"

"Well," said the piece of food. "Maybe one at a time?"

"No, no thank you."

"Ah, just as well. I have a job anyway, but it only takes up a little bit of my time."

"You don't have feet, eyes or a mouth... I can't believe I'm asking this, but what do you do?"

"I do stunt-work in movies sometimes, but I'm part of the advertising convention because I'm a sock model."

Xander resisted the urge to bang his head into something hard.

##

A duck waddled in the door and hopped on the barstool to the left of the gecko. "Hey," he said. "Good to see you again."

"Cheers," the gecko said, raising his glass and draining the rest of it.

"Hey, barkeep, another glass for my friend here," said the duck. "Just put it on my tab."

"Tab?" Xander asked, frowning. "What tab? You're not a regular customer - you just walked in here."

"Fine then, just put it on my bill," the duck said, ignoring the assorted chuckles. "So anything new?"

"No, not really," said the gecko. "Though it seems this bar is a trifle odd... And I could swear that man with the bald spot in the booth over there was tailing me on the subway last week. So, how're things at... Shoot. I just can't place the name of your company. What was it again?"

The spokesman/duck opened his mouth but whatever he said was drowned out by someone screaming a bit further down the bar.

"Huh," muttered the gecko as he twisted around to get a better look. "I wonder what that hairy fellow is yelling about?"

##

A few minutes earlier...

Two cavemen walked in the bar and became very annoyed they were the hairiest ones there.

"Where is everybody? This is the bar, but no-one else is here to join in our protests for better cavemen representation in the media! Ha! That's been planned on my blog for weeks."

"Yeah and I can't believe that traitor! When we bumped into him outside the convention he said he'd changed his mind and came to join us as a show of solidarity, but I think he was just looking for that gecko's autograph!"

"Speak of the devil," the first caveman said, nodding over to the reptile seated at the bar. "Let's sit over here so we're in a good spot to glare while we discuss how to confront him."

"Sounds good to me," said the second caveman as they sat down to order. "I'll have an Absolut Mandrin cocktail please and, hmm, that burrito over there does smell good. What's the price?"

"Sorry, pal," answered the burrito. "I'm off-duty."

"AAAAAGGH!"

##

Having broken up numerous misunderstandings already, Xander drummed his fingers on the countertop, waiting impatiently for Willow to arrive. He was vaguely worried that the gecko would decide to leave too soon.

"So," he asked, swinging back to the reptile's side of the bar. "How's it going?"

"Oh, I'm getting along nicely enough. Just explaining the merits of GEICO's comprehensive plans to my new friend here."

"Aware of them now I am," Yoda said to the gecko. "Happy, will I be to join."

##

Faith and Illyria strolled into the bar. The blue god-king dropped a case - marked 'Jones Holiday Pack' - with several drink bottles in it onto the bar, while the dark-haired Slayer fished a small perfume bottle out from her bag.

"We've been to the marketing convention and we brought back souvenirs," Faith said, giving her arm a little spray of perfume. "Here, smell this."

"Huh," Xander said after leaning forward. "I can't really place it, but I guess it tingles nicely. What is it?"

"Well, like it says on the label, BOB FM."

"Oh, that's the company?"

"No, the radio station is authorizing Synaesthesia Corp to distill the product."

"What product?"

"The radio station," Faith said with a wide grin. "Can't you tell?"

Xander closed his eyes to think and connected synaesthesia with that Trivial Pursuit game and the ability/disorder involving hearing colors and tasting speech.

"Faith," Xander said, turning to look at her. "That is the weirdest thing I've heard in... nearly two days. Remind me to head over there tomorrow and buy some shampoo."

"Have one right here," she smiled, passing it over. "Let's face it, X. I know you."

"Hmph," said Xander as Illyria reached over for one of the sodas. "I... Wait. What did that label say?"

Illyria lifted up the case containing unopened bottles labeled Cranberry Soda, Mashed Potato & Butter Soda, Green Bean Casserole Soda, and Fruitcake Soda.

"You're kidding me."

"I do not kid," Illyria said as she popped the top on the one marked Turkey & Gravy Soda. "I am simply pleased that humanity has finally caught up with my refined tastes."

"Ewww..." Xander verbalized as she downed it one gulp. "I'm used to, well, I have a slug slime cocktail mix in the freezer ready for any sluagh to come by. But, for that to go mainstream?"

"Ahhh," Illyria breathed as she set the empty glass bottle on the counter and slid it over to Xander. "I would like you to add this to the Wall as an example of how quickly the mundane world at large is changing. Maybe someday soon they'll see us for what we are. Real and worthy of respect."

"Thank you," Xander said, taking the gift. "I'd be honored to put it in place as the symbol it is and hopefully I'll never have to smell it again."

"Good," Faith said. "Oh yeah, also of note was a quiet memorial service for two prominent advertising executives. You know, the ones Red was going on about?"

"Wait... No. Really? The ones Odin sold his soul to? Just so he could appear in commercials?"

"Yep. Plane crash in London. Apparently someone locked a fighter jet in a kitchen and it got angry enough to break through a wall and crush their car. They're calling it an act of god."

"Huh."

"Anyway. The contract's been rendered null and void and," she said, breaking off mid-sentence, recognizing the gleam in his eye. "Sorry, Xan. His son tore it to shreds. No chance of anyone bringing it in here. So," she said as she slid to her feet. "There's something I've been putting off doing since I came in here."

##

Faith strolled up to one of the cavemen, while his friend was at the counter ordering food.

"Hey," she said, grinning. "Couldn't help but notice you."

"Charmed," he said, surprising her by reaching out and taking her hand.

The light touch of his lips on her skin sent a thrill through her body.

"Wow," he breathed. "I've never met anyone before who smelled like music."

"Want to dance to it?" she asked with a smirk.

"Oh, I have_ moves_," he said, grinning back.

"Heh. If we're going there I - Oh, wait! Is that the GEICO gecko over there? I have his motorcycle insurance. Oh," Faith said, turning back to the caveman and the expression on his face. "Yeah, that broke the mood. I'll just walk over and get his autograph."

"Figures," snarled the caveman as he sank to his seat and rested his head on his arms. "Why is it that the cute ones always fall to the Dark Side?"

"Too lightly, using those words you are," Yoda said firmly, hobbling up on his new apple-wood cane. "_Do not._"

"AAAAGH!" yelled the shocked caveman. "Yoda's real and he doesn't like me!"

##

"Oh great," murmured the gecko from his perch across the room. "Now the other hairy fellow is making a ruckus too. Hmph. Seems someone needs to give them a good talking to. Might as well be me..."


End file.
